As Stellenbosch recruitment agents work the phones to fill the R1 million-a-year position of WOSA (the exporters’ mouthpiece) CEO, the perfect candidate languishes in the transit banyas of Moscow’s Sheremetyevo airport, being whipped with birch twigs by toothless babushkas to a cheesy ABBA soundtrack. First off, at 30, he’s less than half the age of incumbent Su Birch and SA marketing efforts have been geriatric for far too long.

Yesterday Ed succeeded in wiping out wine exports from Old Europe to the entire South American continent. As France, Spain, Italy and Portugal closed their airspaces to the Falcon 900EX of Bolivian president Evo Morales (cool registration FAB-001) in case Ed was a stowaway, SA exporters are in prime position to fill the void.

Perhaps best placed is Graham Beck Wines who sent sales manager Etienne Heyns to Brazil, precisely for this eventuality. GBW have already sold their first container to Brazil and further orders can be expected. For how can Taittinger be served at next year’s World Cup after such a public insult to Latin machismo? After GBW cellar master Pieter Ferreira (above) led a tasting of seven superlative sparklers at the Westin Grand on Tuesday, GBW clearly have the depth of talent to rock the World Cup. The 2009 Blanc de Blanc topped my pops, although the vintage Rosé was not far behind.

SA wine will be pleased to welcome Ed to the luxury WOSA Dorp Street dacha as a great saving on the ruinous restaurant bills of Su and Andre Morgenthal, her personal spin doctor, are expected. As the New York Times reported “while plotting his elaborate escape from Hong Kong, NSA leaker Edward Snowden munched on a junk-food feast including ‘a large pizza, fried chicken and sausages, washed down with Pepsi’ .”

The comments of lawyer Albert Ho are clearly misinformation from the NSA of the most blatant kind: “he enjoys Pepsi, he prefers Pepsi to wine, that’s why I say he’s a kid.” If Billy the Kid opened up the American West, can Eddie the Kid open up SA wine exports to South America?