Let’s hope the PC Plods of the Garden Route do not read the Weekend FT or the magnificently monickered Hedley Twidle (below, in steering wheel mode with book) could be in a whole lot of twouble. For this Jack Kerouak of Kenilworth (wannabe) pens a warm up for a road trip up the N2 “notes towards a book that will probably never get written” and gets a rude shock returning to Slaapstad.

“Five speeding fines with photographs have dropped through my letterbox: Somerset West (R500, £32), Swellendam (R100), Riversdale (R300), Groot Brak (R200), Sedgefield (R200).” Typical that Somerset Worst is the fattest as the cloaca of the Cape has more robots than an episode of Doctor Who. But advice from dad is dodgy.

“My father counsels me not to pay, and tells me that he has racked up a whole sheaf of these letters. It is a surprise to me because he is one of the slowest, most ponderous drivers I have even known. He regards it as a money-making racket, with Garden Route municipalities placing all these unrealistic limits on a national highway, and tells me how to challenge the notice in court. Can we see the calibration records from the officer in charge? Was the instrument zeroed? When was it zeroed? There is a whole book about it, which he promises to send me.” Is Twidle senior an ANC councillor, an anarchist or is he just talking twaddle?

Maybe Hedders will apply some of the loot received from the FT to keep the tourist economy of the Garden Route afloat. Anyone bypassing Augusta de Mist in Swellies should pay R100 to be used to erect a statute to Tertius Boshoff, winemaker at Stellenrust and the most famous son of Swellendam.

Anyway, I do hope Hedders takes on the R62 next as the current crop of wine writers is not fit for purpose. Check out this week’s coverage of the appointment of Siobhán Thompson as CEO designate of WOSA. From infantile tweets comparing sultry Siobhán to a spawn of Stretchy Su to re-runs of the WOSA press release endlessly tweeted as “news”, SA wine writing hits fresh lows on a weekly basis. Soccer moms and boozers, barkers and self-promoters, fly-by-night delinquent dads. This has to be the worst vintage, ever. Hedley Twidle, SA wine writing needs you.