I really don’t understand why comparative advertising should be considered such bad form. Take the latest wheeze in the winelands: producers are asked to shell out R1300 to hear Clive Torr and Cathryn Henderson speak on “the 2014 trends and the future of wine journalism.” Clive and Cathryn are friends and I want to keep it that way and I do hope they’re getting paid to perform as at least one “credible speaker” declined on hearing the honorarium is zero. zilch. nix. nothing.

I, alas, will miss the “perfect showcase” due to a prior. But is it perfect?

Well it really rather depends on who the “over 40 wine writers, reviewers, bloggers and wine merchants” are, although requiring them to be more than double the legal drinking age is quite bold for this will rule out Dirty Harry and Merlot Girl and you might end up with a room full of hairy Snatches on the pull and Whale Cottages who would attend the opening of an envelope.

What a terrifying blend of aggressive entitlement, unruly pubic hair and incompetence. Of course getting access to the hirsute orifaces of older wine merchants may be useful if you’re a sexy young producer of any gender orientation as the field has been pretty much dominated by the Swartland All Stars of late.

Still would the over 60s be any better? Toothy Tim James calling for a boycott of Alto while sobbing camply into his Swartland Shiraz that he doesn’t get any press releases is too pathetic to have to pay for. And hypocritical, too, after he touched them for the airfare to London late last year to buy his Christmas prezzies (surely to taste brandy for the World of Fine Whines? ed). Or the Wine Lizard trying to sell you his granny? Or dear dreary Angela in green tracksuit bottoms? “No, no, no!” as Amy Winehouse used to sing it. Perhaps all the power lies between 40 and 60 so an upper age limit would make sense.

Of course SA wine journalism has no future as the nine hacks on the Best Value Guide must have noticed when Ultra pulled the plug on sponsorship of the publication this week. Still “one door closes and another gets stolen off its hinges” as they say in Mitchell’s Plain and the countdown commences to our own Good Value Guru Soirées that are free to producers with the only age requirement 18 and above, which is younger than some of the brandies we’ll be tasting blind.