Leiria is the Riebeek-Kasteel of Portuguese wine. Home to Vidigal Wines – like Boekenhoutskloof without the cliched chairs or Reg Lascaris pimping self-help books from his car boot at the Diners Club Winemaker of the Year dinner – Vidigal produces some of the sexiest brand-driven wines in the world. The brainchild of 63 year old Freudian psychoanalyst Antonio Mendes Lopes, its Mark Solms on steroids.

Just check out the back label of Brutalis, a E15 blend of Alicante Bouschet and Cabernet Sauvignon. Brutalis was a rhino returned from Copenhagen Zoo to the Kruger Park – and not on account of that shocking Bitter Grapes documenatary that has Vinpro in lockdown. A corporate paranoia so intense, only CEO Rico Basson could make Danie de Wet’s Celebration of Chardonnay last Friday with his other henchmen replaced by retired ou ballies. The weekly Friday Vinpro party under the oaks at Laborie will be a quiet affair today.

The Manleys could not have put it better. Hairy souls and rough chests – now here’s something Hilary Biller could feature as a Blacc Sommelier Wine Selection in the Slimes next to Sxollie cider.

There is a wine called No Branding, No Cry with a Banksy Label and a Bob Marley theme tune. The kind of concept wine Franschhoek can plagiarize and give Anton Espost a break. In fact Anton must be pyschically related to Antonio as some of the stories concerning drowned priests and cemetery wines with lots of body are pure Royal Hotel.

Swartland should watch out for the doctor is in the house.