Alcohol and online dating need each other like the internet needs porn.

Tinder involves so much work: you spend weeks talking to a bunch of potentials before you finally go on a date with the one that annoys you the least; you spend days fantasizing that this could be the guy with whom your future kids will eventually spend their weekend; and then you finally meet and he’s wearing marinara-stained red pants, and you can’t have kids with a man who wears red pants.

But a few drinks can very quickly paper over the fact you and Mr Red Pants have nothing in common, zero chemistry and that the only thing keeping the conversation going is the promise of being bought drinks and that someone else will pay for the cab home.

A drop of self loathing and a brisk morning walk is how some of us finish our Tinder dates. However, I’m a changed woman, as I’ve now been sober for nine months. Which is great one one hand, but shit on the other, as sobriety has eradicated my only form of exercise.