America has a lot of Anglophiles. Y’all love it. It’s the history that seduces the people of the New World. Random buildings that no one cares about are older than this entire country. Random battles that no one remembers were waged over vest swaths of soggy earth. Old Blighty has forgotten more than it remembers, and there is an inherent awe ingrained into the American people when its miserable, drizzly name is mentioned.

England.

Over here we have the faux pubs. They’re parodies of clichés, nostalgic visions of a nostalgic nation. They can be garish beasts that are endearing in their flaws and gushing in their imitative flattery. But there is something very comfortable about the classic crap English pub, and we’re going to tell you how you can transform your living room into an exceptional nuclear sub!

Ye Olde Name

It’s time to name your living room guvna!

There are two ways you can go with a crap English pub name: you can go ‘olde’ and make it sound like the kind of place where snaggletoothed trollops and barrel-bellied sailors rub their Dickensian shoulders.

Or you have an animal followed by an arbitrary noun. The Goose and Bucket. The Frog and Suitcase. The Dog and Blanket. 

Or just try this if you want an English Hipster pub. 

An Old, Heavily Perforated Dartboard

Vital. It wouldn’t be an English pub without darts, or arras as some like to call it. Score is kept on a chalkboard, and disputed outside in the car park.