Listen, I love tables just as much as the next guy. They’re sturdy, dependable, they have four legs. They’re like horses, without the constant pooing.

But they’re not a required part of eating out. Every time you go for dinner/drinks/organic dolphin-friendly soygurt, you don’t need to ask for a table. Because there is a bar, and it is better in every way.

Am I biased? Sure. Bartend for as long as I did, and sitting too far from from home base results in acute PTSD. I’m a stage 5 clinger, a needy ex. But only because I know how good it is.

And now I’m going to show you.

I’m here to fill you in on all the reasons sitting at the table is inferior to my bar stool. Because I want you to love it as much as I do. Be clingy with me.

Now, obviously this doesn’t apply for large groups. 4 or more requires a wooden horse to sit around. I’m not talking to you, popular people.

I’m talking to the loners. The small parties. And definitely, definitely, the daters. You, my lovelies, should never sit at tables again.