I come from a large family. My father has six younger sisters, and our immediate family rounds out around 30 people. Entering a family event feels more like walking into a house party than it does a holiday dinner. The only thing that rivals their largeness in numbers is their largeness in personality. They are loud, jolly, and fun, and their laughter can be heard a block away from my grandmother’s house. They can also be overbearing and obnoxious, as families often are. I’ve spent most of my life trying to figure out the best way to navigate the shitshow of the holidays with my family, and the best answer I’ve come up with is wine.

But just like not all wines pair with all foods, certain wines pair better with certain family members. So what should you be serving this holiday season? Here are some suggestions.

Disclaimer: These are not based on specific members in our family, Aunt _____, so please do not message me on Facebook about it. Also, please don’t call my dad. See you at Christmas!

For the Republican: Cabernet Sauvignon

Boastful and heavy with a heyday back in the 90s, much like your uncle who is entertaining the idea of voting for Trump, California cabernets are great for sharing with Republicans. Cabernets are classic and still a red wine gold standard for many, and Republicans won’t fight you on it. And that’s key, because what can start as a simple disagreement about wine can quickly turn into a fistfight over tax reform if you aren’t too careful.

For the Know-It-All College Liberal: Beaujolais

Young, energetic, and tart, Beaujolais is barely aged, just like your cousin who won’t shut the fuck up about feminism but denies fundamentals surrounding intersectionality. Beaujolais goes down like water, so instead of trying to explain why white people with dreadlocks are offensive, just binge drink and talk about the last Mac DeMarco record.