Alcohol doubles lifespan

In news that will have dipsomaniacs laughing all the way to the liquor store, scientists have discovered that alcohol can double lifespan.

Unfortunately, the finding only applies to worms, and to quantities of ethanol so tiny that they wouldn’t get a gnat pissed. But it’s still come as a big surprise.

“This finding floored us — it’s shocking,” says Steven Clarke, a professor of chemistry and biochemistry at the University of California Los Angeles.