Amazon Announces One-Hour Alcohol Delivery

Amazon, the modern-day Moloch Machine that makes it perilously easy to buy a $75 Natalie Imbruglia single while blackout drunk, revealed a plan on Tuesday to remove the bleary-eyed middleman and bring the stupid juice directly to their customers’ doors.

“Residents of Seattle, Bellevue, Redmond and Kirkland can now get one-hour delivery on tens of thousands of items like paper towels, wine, beer, chilled and frozen items like milk and ice cream, televisions and Kindle devices,” said Amazon in a press release.