The Ultra Wine Guru Winter Collection (below) hit the catwalk on Monday with a contented sigh. With 800,000 copies printed, this beats the Platter wine label spotter owned by Standard Bank by better than 20:1 in terms of circulation. It’s like Holland playing Germiston Primary “B” for the World Cup or Capitec against Standard  in terms of profitability. Why doesn’t Stranded give away free copies of the guide to account holders to give them something for their monthly bank charges?

It’s also far more useful than the plat one, as it includes prices, the most important feature of a wine to consumers. Against all expectation, the priciest potation comes from Distell in the shape of the Desiderius MCC from Pongracz for R299. In a shady nightclub, it looks like Louis Roederer Cristal imported by Michael Fridjhon who showed SA winemakers the future of SA wine at a Winelands information day earlier this month. How do you get onto the invite list for these beanos, Rico?

Ultra’s Gucci Guru is Mark Norrish whose Table Bay bubbly (above) turned the tables on MCC producers at Michael’s Trophy Wine Show when the results were unveiled at the Mount Nelson last month. What a disaster for producers and a triumph for consumers when one of the cheapest bubblies (sub R70) wins the trophy. Let’s see whether the judges at the annual Amorim Cap Classique Challenge – Mark, Cathy Marston, Christian Eedes, Allan Mullins, Winnie Bowman and moi can get the right answer again in August.

The least expensive wine in the catalogue is the Secret Cellar Chenin/Semillon blend at R19.99. A case of this is way cheaper than a copy of Platsticks and much more fun. If Capitec gave away a case each month to account holders, they’d soon be the biggest bank in SA and the wine glut would be history. Liquid accounts are something to discuss at the next Winelands information day, miskien?