Wine producers with poor Platter ratings  should take a leaf out of the marketing manual of the team promoting the UK film on the life of the Kray Twins called Legend. Handed a two star review by the Guardian, they placed it carefully on their billboards.

Not that too many people take Platter stars seriously these days. Treat Dear Angela to a slap up meal (the poor dear does not get many of those anymore and has to make do with ready-mades from Woolies we hear) or complement Toxic Tim on his mustard stories on the chav cuvee site of Chris and you’re pretty much sure of a ***** nomination, as nominations are made sighted. Like film reviews.