How do you sell six bottles of SA wine for R2,100? E-tailer Port2Port is trying to offload the mixed case below on the back of ratings of four rather dubious “SA wine experts.” Good luck.

Expert A is Tim James, self-appointed Swartland spin doctor whose exam questions for the Cape Wine Master qualification are classics. “Name three Cape Wine Masters.” Where would fine SA wine be without him? He’s such an unreliable taster, SA producers dread being assigned to him for visual assessment for the Platter wine label guide.

There is another Tim, Atkin who is a rent-a-critic last heard pronouncing on Argentinian wine on Jean Smullen’s FaceBook page. Tiny and Toxic, the terrible terroir twins.

Then there’s Christian Eedes who refashioned his dad’s dead-tree Wine magazine he crashed into an interweb incarnation and Neal Martin who is a Robert Parker impersonator. Sort of like Elvis for nerds.

Of course the scores are all rubbish as the 6 point spread for Vergelegen GVB confirms. But then if you want to spend R350 a bottle on these wines, figures are probably not your friend.

If the top end of SA wine is relying on two Tims, a Christian and Neal to move product, heaven help us all.