The Wine Words to Stop Using Now

Much like Instagram, ordering wine is a game of posturing.

Oh, look at all that natural light in that apartment, where every surface is covered in marble and ferns that aren’t half eaten by a cat! Well, it turns out Impeccably Curated Carol *really* lives in a master bathroom she’s Airbnbing until she recovers from her last breakdown. Well, the words and absurd phrases we use to describe wine might impress our friends, but the sommelier can tell right away that you’re making it all up. Because wine words, on the most part, are mankind’s attempt to use language to describe three senses (smell, taste, and that ~feeling~ on your tongue) occurring at once, and that sh*t is hard.

Okay, there are a few people who actually studied wine who get this stuff. But for the rest of us? We’re winging it, and in our attempt to seem cool, we’re ordering some meh wines that don’t match our food—or that we don’t even *like* at the end of the night. Talk about tragedy of our time!