Secret Shebeens

A secret garden is a euphemism for a lady bush or as She Bell puts it “I’m waxed clean – hairless as the day I was born. But don’t say ‘Tia has no pubic hair’. That’s so clinical. We should use a nice euphemism. Say ‘She’s moved her secret garden’ or ‘She’s cleared the way to the Promised Land.‘” Now you understand the expression “good wine needs no bush.”

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So whatever is a Secret Courtyard? By naming their Wale Street  pop up wine bar the Secret Courtyard, Spier suggest either the mouth or nostrils. In the case of whales, perhaps the blow hole. Thankfully the premises is far too petite and elegant to attract the attentions of a gross pognophobic whale cottage blogster!

By linking drinking with courts and secret, are Spier perhaps suggesting a Bill Clinton “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy applied to gays in the US military machine be redeployed to drink driving? Of course not as my Studios apartment is within stumbling distance of the venue with David Cope’s Publik Wine Bar en route in case of sudden thirst.

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Secret Courtyards (shebeens in Soweto) are certainly the promised land for wine marketers as the anti-alcohol advertising bandwagon rolls into town and dead-tree publications scale down their wine coverage with gusto. Craft beer columns are the latest craze, a bubble that will burst like a head of Guinness in a month or two.

Wine, like sex, is a participatory activity so far better to get wet than subscribe to vino porn in a lifestyle rag. And wine bars are the titty bars de nos jours.

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Full marks to Spier for homing in on Ground Zero of hipsterism in Cape Town: Liam’s Lairy Lair, the former studio of designer Liam Mooney (above).

Once parliament moves to Nkandla – the precinct is nearly complete – the whole Victorian white affair opposite the Taj Hotel can become a whole earth foods market offering Swartland stunnas at R100 a six pack, patchouli scented candles and Indian head massage therapy. While way wait for that promised land to appear, Spier have arranged some entertainments:

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The eating in the dark dinner is co-sponsored by Eskom while the venue was definitely the place to limber up for some secret gardening on Valentine’s Night as Natalie and Keenan confirmed last night.

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When your guests are as beautiful as these, Spier marketing has already arrived in the Promised Land. Secret Courtyards. Every serious brand should have one.